I am, without a doubt, one of those girls who falls into the “flat chested” category. Friends, you know who you are. If more than once in your life someone has put their hand on your shoulder and looked you in the eyes and said “Uhhh, well, more than a hand full just gets in the way anyway…” while sadly shaking their head, then you know where I’m coming from. If you’ve ever longed to be able to say “HEY, buddy! up here” just once, then you understand my plight.

When I was much younger I was somewhat displeased with my “little guys”, but then, one day towards the end of my high school years I came to the sudden realization that, yes, my breasts are small, but they are also perky and they stay put. Basically, I don’t have to wear a bra. My pups certainly don’t need to be strapped down, and there really isn’t much there to lift and separate, push up, OR push together. Bras, for me, are pretty much just a fun thing because, let’s face it, you can’t fix what ain’t broken. Am I right my itty bitty titty’d brethren? Yeah, you know I am.

When I choose to wear a brassiere it’s because it’s pretty or sexy or I think the splash of whatever color would look good peeking out from under my top. Yes, I have absolutely no use for functional bras, that is, except under one condition… sweater season. Woo doggie, what a nice utilitarian molded bra does for a flat chested girl in a sweater. Now, I’m not talking about those crazy, itchy, padded contraptions, I’m talking about a smooth and silky bra that holds a natural breast shape because it’s made out of a THIN layer of what could be described a “foam-based material”. You know… the good ones that say something without screaming it. Really, I don’t understand how the teeny tiny amount of padding that’s in a molded bra can take what appears to be a woman’s head on top of a wool shrouded boy-torso and turn it into a woman with an awesome-yet-natural-looking figure who’s looking hot in a sweater. Where did she get that sweater anyway? MAN, she looks hot.

So, now, as the temperature drops and the chilly days of winter are upon us, as I pull out that old cedar chest and shake out the massive collection of amazing vintage sweaters I’ve accumulated over the years (you’d puke with jealousy if you saw it), I’m beginning to eyeball our stock of padded bras… the very same ones I’ve been totally ignoring all summer. Hell, I’ve even tried a few of them on in search of the perfect shape/comfort combo just like a real-life busty woman would, it’s sort of novel ( I’m leaning towards the Plunge Padded Underwire Bra by Vera Wang. Color? Champagne.). Yes, officially, I am now calling out to you, my A-cups. It is time to step forward into the uncharted territories of the land of functional bras. It is time to make those sweaters take shape. It is time…

(until the spring)